picture by: Tshenolo Mabale
Suddenly, the feeling of pure dread and total confusion sets in my life and I find myself having to make many decisions all at once. I am shocked by all the demands that life is throwing my way and I have a constant urge to leave it all behind and run..run..run… But ofcourse, I cannot run from my life. It is me and this leaves me with many sleepless nights and very bad dark rings.
Suddenly, I feel that the things I wanted two years ago are not what I want now and going forward in my life. It’s almost like I have been re-born into this new world and the feeling to explore burns deep within my souls’ core. My impulsive, independent nature and carefree spirit, combined with this non-ignorable desire to fly free, leaves the people I care about deeply hurt and detached. It breaks my heart to watch theirs break yet I am somehow content with the repercussions of my decisions. It is this feeling of accepting what others’ reaction to my sometimes foolhardy choices, that I struggle with. Am I really a selfish person, only concerned about my needs at any given moment, that I’m okay with people’s reaction to my choices no matter which way they go or are these truly the wheels of change occurring within me and in my life that no matter how hard I try, because my needs and feelings are different/changing, they will occur anyways due to simple nature? Does this even make sense? Am I the only 20something that has tumultuous weeks and extreme levels of opposing emotions in one hour?
I am most grateful of all the blessings in my life, from friends, parents, work, etc but why do I feel like sometimes I want them all to disappear? I constantly get nudged by this strong feeling to run free and explore this God-given earth and it tugs at my heart every second of everyday. I want to leave it all behind and start anew. My spirit calls for re-birth and I yearn to be at a place where I feel like “I am nothing and everything. A place between dark and light, where all becomes right”.
Is it that I cannot stand the heat? Is it that I cannot handle the continuing pressures of my work that can get personal? Or is it that I cannot stand the personal pressures that come with handling other people’s hearts?
In quiet moments and even frantic ones, I always remember a film I watched recently that spoke deeply to my BEing. In Into the Wild, Christopher McCandless, a young man, leaves his middle class existence in pursuit of freedom from relationships and obligations. He gives up his family and all his possessions, to spend time with nature, with ‘real’ existence, away from the trappings of the modern world. He decides to trek around America ending up in Alaska and 20 months leading up to his Great Adventure, his travels lead him to self- discovery, to examine and appreciate the world around him and heal from his troubled childhood. Christopher eventually dies in an old school bus, in the freezing Alaska, alone and isolated.
For me, inasmuch as the film might indirectly be affirming the apparent fact that, “Happiness is only real when shared” through Christopher’s somewhat sad end, his decision to give up all his possessions and let his spirit reign free was what captured me. I wondered if I’d be able to give up all that I have to find peace in my soul. Are we as people, so free within ourselves to let go of our spouses, our partners, our children, should they make that decision? We are so obsessed with possession that we forget that we really, truly don’t own anything except our souls. All this confusion is caused by trying to rationalize what I know to be true about me. The very nature of me is free and that will never change. Let us all fly free+
Suddenly, I feel that the things I wanted two years ago are not what I want now and going forward in my life. It’s almost like I have been re-born into this new world and the feeling to explore burns deep within my souls’ core. My impulsive, independent nature and carefree spirit, combined with this non-ignorable desire to fly free, leaves the people I care about deeply hurt and detached. It breaks my heart to watch theirs break yet I am somehow content with the repercussions of my decisions. It is this feeling of accepting what others’ reaction to my sometimes foolhardy choices, that I struggle with. Am I really a selfish person, only concerned about my needs at any given moment, that I’m okay with people’s reaction to my choices no matter which way they go or are these truly the wheels of change occurring within me and in my life that no matter how hard I try, because my needs and feelings are different/changing, they will occur anyways due to simple nature? Does this even make sense? Am I the only 20something that has tumultuous weeks and extreme levels of opposing emotions in one hour?
I am most grateful of all the blessings in my life, from friends, parents, work, etc but why do I feel like sometimes I want them all to disappear? I constantly get nudged by this strong feeling to run free and explore this God-given earth and it tugs at my heart every second of everyday. I want to leave it all behind and start anew. My spirit calls for re-birth and I yearn to be at a place where I feel like “I am nothing and everything. A place between dark and light, where all becomes right”.
Is it that I cannot stand the heat? Is it that I cannot handle the continuing pressures of my work that can get personal? Or is it that I cannot stand the personal pressures that come with handling other people’s hearts?
In quiet moments and even frantic ones, I always remember a film I watched recently that spoke deeply to my BEing. In Into the Wild, Christopher McCandless, a young man, leaves his middle class existence in pursuit of freedom from relationships and obligations. He gives up his family and all his possessions, to spend time with nature, with ‘real’ existence, away from the trappings of the modern world. He decides to trek around America ending up in Alaska and 20 months leading up to his Great Adventure, his travels lead him to self- discovery, to examine and appreciate the world around him and heal from his troubled childhood. Christopher eventually dies in an old school bus, in the freezing Alaska, alone and isolated.
For me, inasmuch as the film might indirectly be affirming the apparent fact that, “Happiness is only real when shared” through Christopher’s somewhat sad end, his decision to give up all his possessions and let his spirit reign free was what captured me. I wondered if I’d be able to give up all that I have to find peace in my soul. Are we as people, so free within ourselves to let go of our spouses, our partners, our children, should they make that decision? We are so obsessed with possession that we forget that we really, truly don’t own anything except our souls. All this confusion is caused by trying to rationalize what I know to be true about me. The very nature of me is free and that will never change. Let us all fly free+
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